I have been taking course after course after course in the hopes of improving my present skills or learning new ones. I have been reading blog after blog after blog in the hopes of picking up bits of information that will help me figure out who I am as an artist.
The culmination of all of this searching has left me extremely perplexed. I have lost every bit of passion I had for creating art, whether it be painting or card making, or any other paper craft. I am full, saturated, nauseated, and the joy I used to feel is no more.
I sat at my table the other day and started a painting. The image had been in my head since before my surgery and I was looking forward to giving it a go. What happened instead was me, trying to apply EVERY single thing I have learned, watched, studied and practiced into this one piece. It ended up morphing into a piece I HATE! It is nowhere near the image that was in my head... not in the slightest and it looked nothing like the work of the artists I was trying to emulate.
I concluded that I wasn't very good, in fact I concluded that I was downright BAD! That the people who bought my work were just being kind and that I should put all my art things away and move on. After all I will be 60 next birthday, too old to be "playing at art". Right? Grow up Danielle and get it together.
I have always been creative, have always found it difficult to sit quietly when there were so many things I could be doing with my hands, and I honestly can't recall a day I wasn't making something. So why after more than 5 decades had I come to this point in my artistic journey? Something had died in me and I found myself grieving. A light had gone out in my soul and I no longer knew who I was.
Fast forward to last night. I was watching Craft Wars, the new TLC show. One of my favourite artists and teachers, Christy Tomlinson was one of the competitors. I was so excited! I KNOW her! Her She Art course was the first on line course I ever took. Of course, I was sure she was going to win the competition because she is so talented. It was just a matter of sitting through the show and preparing to cheer when she received the $10,000 cheque. Well, Christie didn't win. Her aesthetic did not please the judges. But I "got" her design - it was pure Christie, and although disappointing for her and her thousands of fans, I gained insight into my present dilemma.
POINT OF VIEW! Christy has a point of view that is uniquely her's. It brings her joy. That much is obvioys. It is admired by many but not all people! She did what she loved, she was gracious, not pushy, not aggressive, just pure Christy. At one point during the show, as she and her competitor were given tons of supplies from which to choose what they needed for their projects, I noticed Christy with an armful of objects and her competitor grabbing for them, Christy graciously handed them over. Christy was going to be Christy no matter what.
Anyway, I digress. POINT OF VIEW. I don't have one. I am a messy pile of information and it has crowded out my artist's soul. So . . .
I AM going to put all my stuff away. (My studio is a mess right now). I will hire the young girl next door to come and help me sort through the mountain of stuff until I find myself. I will know when I get there but if something is accidentally thrown out or given away or sold in my zealous quest, oh well. . . c'est la vie.
And I will knowf I am back when sitting at my work table is a source of joy once again.
Wish me luck everyone!